Why do we react disproportionately and hurt the people we love the most?
This is a question most of us may have. Why do we react? Why do we hurt others? Why cannot we pause and gently respond? Why can’t we look at the situation in a more objective manner and be less emotional about it?
To understand our emotional reactions, we need to look at the subconscious mind. For it is the subconscious which is the seat of all emotions, all memories, all traumas, all beliefs. The part of the brain which reacts with emotion is the subconscious mind.
Think of your subconscious mind like a massive factory.
This factory has different kinds of existing raw materials:
- Old memories, old emotions, old traumas.
All these materials are currently in storage. But the moment there is a triggering situation, these raw materials start mixing and blending with the situation.
The factory also has some blueprints called beliefs.
These blueprints and beliefs decide the way that processing happens. They control the processing of the situation and the final outcome.
Our inherent beliefs are the blueprint that play a big role in deciding the intensity and kind of reactions we have to every situation.
Now lets take a scenario:
Mary is a caring mom and loves her sons. However, this morning her teenage son got up late and is running late for school. This is the current situation. Let us look at how Mary’s subconscious mind processes it and what is the reaction.
Situation: Son is running late for school.
Raw Materials:
- Son has been late multiple times this quarter.
- Mary had got very upset the last two times he was late.
- Mary is a divorcee and feels the trauma of that loss and the overwhelm of being a single parent.
Beliefs:
- I am unable to raise a son who is punctual.
- I am not a good parent.
- I am responsible for my son’s behavior.
- I am not good enough.
Reaction: New Thoughts being generated:
- I have told him so many times but he doesn’t listen.
- He is becoming disobedient.
- If I don’t say anything or do anything, he might ruin his life.
- What if this affects his academics, what if he gets expelled from school?
- I am the only parent here, I am the only one responsible; I have to do something.
Reaction: Angry Yelling Words that is generated:
- ‘ How can you be late again for school today’?
- ‘ This is not allowed in this house. Don’t you have any shame in going late again and again?’
As you see, Mary’s subconscious mind is processing the situation at lightning speed.
In a second, the subconscious looks at the situation, blends it with the raw materials (old memories, traumas and emotions), processes it with the blueprint (beliefs) and generates new reactions of both thoughts and emotions.
It is the subconscious mind which makes us react disproportionately.
In order for us to not react disproportionately and emotionally, we have to do one or more of the following:
- Use the conscious mind to manage the subconscious mind. This is the most important. The conscious mind has to move to the driver's seat and take charge.
- Train the subconscious mind not to be influenced by old memories, old traumas for the current situation. Use calming and soothing mechanisms to help you do this.
- Work on the deeper traumas and release them.
- Be aware of deep rooted emotions (from old traumas) and release them.
- Change negative beliefs to positive beliefs and create a healthy blueprint for processing life situations.
Most importantly, we do not have to stay stuck in our old ways of reacting. We can shift our reactions from hurtful to loving, from judgemental to objective and caring, from unconscious to conscious responses.
Hope this helps. Do leave a comment below if you resonate with this kind of drama situation.