Imagine a child throwing a tantrum in a busy supermarket or a child displaying unruly behavior in school. The first thought that comes to our mind regarding these children is ‘punishment’, or ‘corrective action’.
However it is important for us to understand that, children who are acting in unloving ways are likely to themselves be feeling unloved, unwanted, not valuable, incapable, powerless, or hurt. What these children need isn’t greater control, or bigger punishments, they need understanding, compassion, and support for their growth. They need LOVE.
How should a parent respond to these ‘unloving’ behaviors?
A child engaging in undesirable behavior has most likely lost the love connection with the parent.
The first and foremost response in these situations should be the parents remaining calm and composed; Once the parent is calm, that helps a lot in ‘not taking the child’s behavior personally’;
It is important that parents give themselves plenty of self care and support to do all of the above.
The next part of the parental response is working to understand the drivers of unwanted behaviors, identifying patterns and triggers. Ask the question: ‘What could be the underlying need of the child that is making him behave in this way?’
Finally parents need to work at modifying the environment to prevent problem situations and support positive ones, and use positive communication to have conversations that provide information/support for learning, growing, and healing.
The kids who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways.