Why do we react disproportionately and hurt the people we love the most?

This is a question most of us may have. Why do we react? Why do we hurt others? Why cannot we pause and gently respond? Why can’t we look at the situation in a more objective manner and be less emotional about it?

To understand our emotional reactions, we need to look at the subconscious mind. For it is the subconscious which is the seat of all emotions, all memories, all traumas, all beliefs. The part of the brain which reacts with emotion is the subconscious mind.

Think of your subconscious mind like a massive factory. 

This factory has different kinds of  existing raw materials: 

• Old memories, old emotions, old traumas. 

All these materials are currently in storage. But the moment there is a triggering situation, these raw materials start mixing and blending with the situation.

Now lets take a scenario:

Mary is a caring mom and loves her sons. However, this morning her teenage son got up late and is running late for school. This is the current situation. Let us look at how Mary’s subconscious mind processes it and what is the reaction.

Situation: Son is running late for school.

Raw Materials:

• Son has been late multiple times this quarter. 
• Mary had got very upset the last two times he was late.
• Mary is a divorcee and feels the trauma of that loss and the overwhelm of being a single parent.

Beliefs:

• I am unable to raise a son who is punctual.
• I am not a good parent.
• I am responsible for my son’s behavior.
• I am not good enough.

Reaction: New Thoughts being generated:

• I have told him so many times but he doesn’t listen.
• He is becoming disobedient.
• If I don’t say anything or do anything, he might ruin his life.
• What if this affects his academics, what if he gets expelled from school? 
• I am the only parent here, I am the only one responsible; I have to do something.

Reaction: Angry Yelling Words that is generated: 

• ‘ How can you be late again for school today’?
• ‘ This is not allowed in this house. Don’t you have any shame in going late again and again?’

As you see, Mary’s subconscious mind is processing the situation at lightning speed.

In a second, the subconscious looks at the situation, blends it with the raw materials  (old memories, traumas and emotions), processes it with the blueprint (beliefs) and generates new reactions of both thoughts and emotions.

It is the subconscious mind which makes us react disproportionately. 

In order for us to not react disproportionately and emotionally, we have to do one or more of the following:

• Use the conscious mind to manage the subconscious mind. This is the most important. The conscious mind has to move to the driver's seat and take charge.
• Train the subconscious mind not to be influenced by old memories, old traumas for the current situation. Use calming and soothing mechanisms to help you do this.
• Work on the deeper traumas and release them.
• Be aware of deep rooted emotions (from old traumas) and release them.
• Change negative beliefs to positive beliefs and create a healthy blueprint for processing life situations.

Most importantly, we do not have to stay stuck in our old ways of reacting. We can shift our reactions from hurtful to loving, from judgemental to objective and caring, from unconscious to conscious responses.

Hope this helps. Do leave a comment below if you resonate with this kind of drama situation. 

Have you heard of the four happiness chemicals? 

Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin, and Endorphin?

 Understanding and being aware of what these chemicals are and how they help us be more happier goes a long way in helping us manage our anxiety.

 And today, I'm going to share with you a simple way to remember about these chemicals with an acronym called DOSE:

D. O. S E.

'D' Stands for Dopamine.

 (Dopamine is the motivation producer or reward producer)

 When does the body produce dopamine? The body produces more dopamine, when we feel accomplished.

So, when you complete a task that you have set out to do and you complete the project that you wanted to do when you do a self-care activity, maybe do an exercise or you have done the practice self-care for yourself, you are increasing the dopamine level in your body.

 You may also have a rush of dopamine when you eat your favorite food because somewhere the body associates that act of pleasure with a sense of accomplishment. 

This is may also explain how many a time we indulge in our favorite foods when we are low and that immediately makes us feel better.

To increase your dopamine levels, make sure to set goals and work at reaching them.

 'O' for oxytocin

(The Love hormone)

 Oxytocin is the love hormone or love chemical which is produced when we feel a sense of connection, when we feel a sense of belonging. 

This hormone is generated when you hug your mom or when you play with your daughters. Or when you pet runs to you,  wagging its tail, and you touch it and pet it.

 And that's when you have a warm feeling in your heart and you say, hey, I feel so good, I feel so happy and is the body producing, oxytocin. Oxytocin is also generated when we appreciate ourselves, when practice kindness to ourselves and others.

'S' for serotonin, 

 (serotonin is the calming chemical)

 Serotonin is the chemical that the body produces that helps us reduce stress and really get back to the state of calmness. 

And what helps generate more serotonin?

Lots of things help produce more serotonin in the body: For example: when you practice meditation or mindfulness, when you walk outside in nature, maybe walk across the beach, watching the sunset and just feeling the cool breeze.

 When the body produces serotonin, you feel so calm and happy inside and feel so peaceful.

 When you are listening to some very calming, relaxing music, your body is producing serotonin. 

Sometimes the body also produces serotonin when you're just sitting there next to your child and you're watching a little baby gurgling away and that's such a warm, peaceful feeling too. These are some of the ways where the body produces serotonin and makes you feel more calm, more relaxed and more at peace.

'E' for Endorphins

(Pain relieving hormones)

 Endorphins are pain relieving chemicals which really help in reducing the level of physical or emotional pain in the body.

 When does the body produce endorphins?

So, when you do exercise, the body produces a lot of endorphins and that's why they always recommend exercise for all kinds of mental health issues.

The body produces a lot of endorphins when you're listening to music especially if it's your favorite music or when you're eating dark chocolate. When you're watching a funny movie or  a comedy show and you're laughing away, the body is producing a lot of endorphins.  

The body loves all these activities, because it reduces the level of physical and or emotional pain and makes you really feel good inside. 

So these are the four happiness chemicals.

Remember the acronym D. O. S. E. Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin and Endorphin.

Remember that we need all the four chemicals, all these four hormones, to really increase our overall happiness index in our body.

Always remember to have a DOSE of happiness today.