A Parenting Success story

Boundary setting is a very essential part of anxiety management.

Do you know what boundaries are?

Do you know why they are needed?

 When we set boundaries in life, it helps us develop better self-esteem, healthier relationships and more happiness in life.

 Boundaries also help maintain our emotional safety.

Boundaries are limits that we set that helps us differentiate who we are compared to who the other person is.

Watch the video where I share some more examples about boundaries.

Learning to say NO is an important aspect of boundary setting.

When we are unable to say NO to our loved ones, to our friends to our colleagues, we do not have boundaries with them.

When we do not have boundaries, we allow others to intrude into our space and allow them to affect us physically, emotionally, we allow them to take up our time.

Boundaries are limits that we place in our lives, in our relationships. They could be physical or emotional boundaries.

If someone abuses you in a discussion, that is a sign that boundaries have been crossed. If someone yells at you, uses harsh or uncouth language, those are transgression of boundaries. If someone touches you in an improper way, that is boundary transgression.

People cross boundaries of time too.

Boundaries  of time can also be crossed when well-meaning friends or relatives can take up our time and we are unable to say NO to them. When someone calls us announced and keeps talking without considering whether we were busy with something else, that is a transgression of our boundary.

Setting boundaries is important because that means we are standing up for ourselves, for our needs, for our opinions, for our feelings. 

Boundary setting helps us live our lives at our own terms. That helps us value our needs, value our feelings and stand up for ourselves.

I hope this was helpful to give you a perspective of what boundaries are and why they are needed.

We all struggle with different aspects of boundary setting. Some of us may struggle with an inability to say NO, some may struggle with not able to share their opinions or feelings.

What do you struggle with? Do share where you struggle with laying down boundaries in the comments below.

Do you know what are the 10 ways to have a bad day? Yes, I mean bad day and that's not a typo. 

Have a look at this video to understand how we can have a bad day. And maybe, just maybe, we will try to avoid those and end up having a good day.

Have fun watching this very short video.

Why do we react disproportionately and hurt the people we love the most?

This is a question most of us may have. Why do we react? Why do we hurt others? Why cannot we pause and gently respond? Why can’t we look at the situation in a more objective manner and be less emotional about it?

To understand our emotional reactions, we need to look at the subconscious mind. For it is the subconscious which is the seat of all emotions, all memories, all traumas, all beliefs. The part of the brain which reacts with emotion is the subconscious mind.

Think of your subconscious mind like a massive factory. 

This factory has different kinds of  existing raw materials: 

• Old memories, old emotions, old traumas. 

All these materials are currently in storage. But the moment there is a triggering situation, these raw materials start mixing and blending with the situation.

Now lets take a scenario:

Mary is a caring mom and loves her sons. However, this morning her teenage son got up late and is running late for school. This is the current situation. Let us look at how Mary’s subconscious mind processes it and what is the reaction.

Situation: Son is running late for school.

Raw Materials:

• Son has been late multiple times this quarter. 
• Mary had got very upset the last two times he was late.
• Mary is a divorcee and feels the trauma of that loss and the overwhelm of being a single parent.

Beliefs:

• I am unable to raise a son who is punctual.
• I am not a good parent.
• I am responsible for my son’s behavior.
• I am not good enough.

Reaction: New Thoughts being generated:

• I have told him so many times but he doesn’t listen.
• He is becoming disobedient.
• If I don’t say anything or do anything, he might ruin his life.
• What if this affects his academics, what if he gets expelled from school? 
• I am the only parent here, I am the only one responsible; I have to do something.

Reaction: Angry Yelling Words that is generated: 

• ‘ How can you be late again for school today’?
• ‘ This is not allowed in this house. Don’t you have any shame in going late again and again?’

As you see, Mary’s subconscious mind is processing the situation at lightning speed.

In a second, the subconscious looks at the situation, blends it with the raw materials  (old memories, traumas and emotions), processes it with the blueprint (beliefs) and generates new reactions of both thoughts and emotions.

It is the subconscious mind which makes us react disproportionately. 

In order for us to not react disproportionately and emotionally, we have to do one or more of the following:

• Use the conscious mind to manage the subconscious mind. This is the most important. The conscious mind has to move to the driver's seat and take charge.
• Train the subconscious mind not to be influenced by old memories, old traumas for the current situation. Use calming and soothing mechanisms to help you do this.
• Work on the deeper traumas and release them.
• Be aware of deep rooted emotions (from old traumas) and release them.
• Change negative beliefs to positive beliefs and create a healthy blueprint for processing life situations.

Most importantly, we do not have to stay stuck in our old ways of reacting. We can shift our reactions from hurtful to loving, from judgemental to objective and caring, from unconscious to conscious responses.

Hope this helps. Do leave a comment below if you resonate with this kind of drama situation. 

Sometimes, it is just a habitual pattern that takes over our mind - a pattern of overthinking about something or the other.

The noise in our head maybe about:  

• A mental conversation we are having with someone or with ourselves,
• Thinking about some event that happened in the past,
• A conversation that we have had with someone recently, something that we're thinking about again and again. 
• A constantly recurring worrying thought
• and so many trillion of thoughts that generate noise in our mind.

All this incessant chatter, this constant dialogue that's going on in our minds is so, overwhelming that we don't want to face that.

We would rather drown it with some noise that's happening externally.

Here are some examples of what we may choose to drown the internal noise with:

• Media: Television or radio blaring constantly in the background.
• Call someone and talk to them.
• Get into social media and try to overwhelm the internal chatter with new information, videos or posts.
• Listening to some podcasts even when you are in the bathroom.

Do you relate to this? Do share your own examples in the comments!

 We find it so difficult to just be by ourselves. We find it extremely hard to sit quietly and close our eyes and just be there.  

We find it hard to mindful and present to conversations. We are unable to focus for longer periods of time on stillness and the presence that is within us. We are unable to connect within to our own source energy. All these are so difficult because of this constant noise in our head. 

I want to emphasize that internal silence is a sign of peace and this is very, very important for us.

If we hope to have peace within ourselves, we have to first find peace in our minds by slowing down that chatter by quieting that voice of the mind a little bit.

There is no point in drowning the inner noise with external noise. External noise only generates more internal chatter.

Silence is an important prerequisite for peace. Start thinking about the need for silence in your life. Identify how you can create more silence in your lives. If the internal noise is unbearable, confront it, manage it and teach your mind to quieten down. If necessary, seek support.

Once we learn to become comfortable with external silence, we find silence not only to be tolerable, but something that we want.

Drowning the inner noise with external noise is not the answer. Start your journey by dedicating a couple of minutes everyday to be in silence- just observing and witnessing your thoughts. Practice mindfulness in small things like eating, going to the bathroom.

 Seek silence. Seek places where there is silence. Seek people who enjoy silence. Get comfortable with silence. When you do that, notice how your mind also starts to respond with less chatter, with less noise.

Emotional pain is often misunderstood and mishandled. It is a situation where the heart is aching because of a situation, or an event or maybe a relationship issue.

Emotional pain is the suffering you experience when dealing with difficult feelings. Experiencing grief or loss emotionally is considered emotional pain. Experiencing prolonged anger and frustration can lead to emotional pain.

The mind and the emotions are also intertwined. For example, anxiety can increase the intensity of emotions and the severity of emotional pain. On the other hand, emotional pain may cause more anxiety.

You may feel broken or unable to function  because your heart feels too heavy and the mind refuses to cooperate.

Many a time, emotional pain could be  triggered by a relationship issue. It could be a relationship with a spouse, parent, friend or even the relationship you have with yourself.

Some examples of common situations that might trigger emotional pain could be:

•  My best friend doesn’t talk to me any more.
• My spouse controls me and disrespects me.
• My parents do not understand my perspective.
• My teenage child speaks rudely to me.
• My boss micromanages my work and drives me nuts.
• I am unable to manage my life.

Do you find any of these situations relatable? Do you experience emotional pain as a result of such interactions? Do you feel overwhelmed because of this and do not know how to deal with it?

Emotions are a part of life. But when the distress we experience because of emotions stays longer than necessary, it becomes emotional pain.

Left unattended, emotional pain can start affecting our life and cause a lot of havoc.

So, How do we deal with emotional pain? That's truly an important question.

Awareness is a great first step to moving beyond emotional pain.

Just observing and increasing our awareness of our emotions is a good starting point in emotion management. 

Watch this video where I share the importance of observing.

Coming soon: 10 ways to deal with emotional pain

Have you heard of the four happiness chemicals? 

Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin, and Endorphin?

 Understanding and being aware of what these chemicals are and how they help us be more happier goes a long way in helping us manage our anxiety.

 And today, I'm going to share with you a simple way to remember about these chemicals with an acronym called DOSE:

D. O. S E.

'D' Stands for Dopamine.

 (Dopamine is the motivation producer or reward producer)

 When does the body produce dopamine? The body produces more dopamine, when we feel accomplished.

So, when you complete a task that you have set out to do and you complete the project that you wanted to do when you do a self-care activity, maybe do an exercise or you have done the practice self-care for yourself, you are increasing the dopamine level in your body.

 You may also have a rush of dopamine when you eat your favorite food because somewhere the body associates that act of pleasure with a sense of accomplishment. 

This is may also explain how many a time we indulge in our favorite foods when we are low and that immediately makes us feel better.

To increase your dopamine levels, make sure to set goals and work at reaching them.

 'O' for oxytocin

(The Love hormone)

 Oxytocin is the love hormone or love chemical which is produced when we feel a sense of connection, when we feel a sense of belonging. 

This hormone is generated when you hug your mom or when you play with your daughters. Or when you pet runs to you,  wagging its tail, and you touch it and pet it.

 And that's when you have a warm feeling in your heart and you say, hey, I feel so good, I feel so happy and is the body producing, oxytocin. Oxytocin is also generated when we appreciate ourselves, when practice kindness to ourselves and others.

'S' for serotonin, 

 (serotonin is the calming chemical)

 Serotonin is the chemical that the body produces that helps us reduce stress and really get back to the state of calmness. 

And what helps generate more serotonin?

Lots of things help produce more serotonin in the body: For example: when you practice meditation or mindfulness, when you walk outside in nature, maybe walk across the beach, watching the sunset and just feeling the cool breeze.

 When the body produces serotonin, you feel so calm and happy inside and feel so peaceful.

 When you are listening to some very calming, relaxing music, your body is producing serotonin. 

Sometimes the body also produces serotonin when you're just sitting there next to your child and you're watching a little baby gurgling away and that's such a warm, peaceful feeling too. These are some of the ways where the body produces serotonin and makes you feel more calm, more relaxed and more at peace.

'E' for Endorphins

(Pain relieving hormones)

 Endorphins are pain relieving chemicals which really help in reducing the level of physical or emotional pain in the body.

 When does the body produce endorphins?

So, when you do exercise, the body produces a lot of endorphins and that's why they always recommend exercise for all kinds of mental health issues.

The body produces a lot of endorphins when you're listening to music especially if it's your favorite music or when you're eating dark chocolate. When you're watching a funny movie or  a comedy show and you're laughing away, the body is producing a lot of endorphins.  

The body loves all these activities, because it reduces the level of physical and or emotional pain and makes you really feel good inside. 

So these are the four happiness chemicals.

Remember the acronym D. O. S. E. Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin and Endorphin.

Remember that we need all the four chemicals, all these four hormones, to really increase our overall happiness index in our body.

Always remember to have a DOSE of happiness today.

Why is routine important for mental health?

Why do we need to have routines?

We will explore these questions in this article to understand more deeply about the role routine has to play in managing our mind.

When you practice routine, it brings a certain structure to the day.

But many of you who are going through different kinds levels of anxiety or depression, whether it's mild or moderate or intense, maybe struggling to maintain a routine or to keep up a consistent routine.
Now this is understandable, but this is not very helpful.

Why are routines really needed? 

When we are inconsistent with a routine, maybe we have followed the routine for two or three days, sometimes we are not able to follow after that for a week or two and then again, go back to the same routine, so we are kind of jumping and swinging like a pendulum.

So, what happens when there is no routine?

When there is no routine, the brain does not know what to expect.
When there is no routine, there is no clear structure to the day
When there is no clear structure to the day, there is no clear structure to the mind.

 The other thing that routine does is  because of the structure, because of organizing your day much better.
It reduces overwhelm.

 When you have something in the routine, that means that there is a greater chance, a greater probability of you doing it, but if you don't have something in the routine there's probably almost a negligible chance of you doing it.

So routine is a great, great tool and it really is very, very important for all of us and especially if you are going through any levels of anxiety, depression or overthinking, just having a simple routine in the day goes a long way in ensuring that your day is a happy day.