A Parenting Success story

December is the season of holidays and for most parents it's also the time to sigh because they are expecting many tantrums from their child.

And tantrum challenges can be triggered by almost  anything! 

Here are some common reasons for your child throwing tantrums:

1) When parents deny them what they want:

• When parents deny them screen time
• When dad refuses to buy yet another chocolate
• When mom asks them to get ready to go to sleep
• When parents suddenly change plans about going out to the park.

2) When they are hungry or tired

• They are acting out because they are too tired or hungry to self regulate themselves
• They are starting to get sick and that makes them too tired
• They haven't slept well
• They are in crowded or noisy places
• They are given too much sugar and the effect of it is slightly wearing off
• They are having other issues like teething,  wearing uncomfortable clothing

3) When there are other reasons:

• The child is testing limits when told 'no' or given rules they dislike
• They do not know how to articulate their feelings and are feeling frustrated
• They want to be more independent and are struggling with doing those tasks
• They just don't want to share their toys or wait their turn in a game
• They are not being given enough attention

Can you think of any other reasons?

What should parents do when the child is throwing tantrums?

In such a situation what should parents do? and what could parents do? Do they have any options at all? Yes they definitely do.

I believe that: 

The sign of great parenting is not the child’s behavior. The sign of truly great parenting is the parent’s behavior.

Parents everywhere get so worked up about how their child behaves in public, about how the child does not listen, how the child doesn’t tidy up after a play, or about the child being naughty.

Parents feel embarrassed when the child throws a tantrum and very often tend to get frustrated or angry as well.

Most parents forget they did the same things in their childhood. 

Parents forget.........

• They forget that throwing tantrums and having these emotional reactions is part of childhood.
• Parents forget that children learn by how parents react to their tantrums. Children learn emotional self-regulation from watching their parents deal with their emotional tantrums.

In fact, every tantrum that your child throws is a great teaching opportunity for emotion management.

Tips for parents to handle tantrums

Here are some tips for parents, some dos and donts that might be useful when children throw tantrums.

• Most importantly, you, the parent, need to stay absolutely calm.
  • Work on your own emotional regulation. Practice breathing exercises and clear your inner mind space.
• Avoid escalating the situation
  • If you can't solve the situation, at least do not escalate it.
  • For example: If the child is throwing a tantrum in a supermarket,  screaming at them will definitely escalate the situation.
• Avoid giving in to their demands because if you do that, you are giving them a message that throwing a tantrum works.
• Instead, try and understand the possible reason why they are throwing the tantrum and address that.
  • If they are hungry, feed them. If they are sick, take care of them.
  • If they are unhappy because they are not getting what they want, be firm and kind and reinforce the boundaries.
  • For example, when your child is throwing tantrums in a supermarket: try diverting their attention to something else, or talk to them as if they are older, and explain to them what’s reasonable and unreasonable and why. 

Parents, here are more tips for you!

More tips for parents:

• Acknowledge their feelings with empathy ('I see you are upset because you wanted to continue watching your show...)
• Offer choices when appropriate so they feel in control.
• Distract or redirect their attention to a different activity or object.
• Set consistent boundaries so they know what to expect.
• Teach them words to express emotions (do it when they feel more calm).

You have the ability to influence them positively

Dear parents, 

You have the ability to influence them positively by training yourself in the right way of disciplining them and handling their tantrums with a calm approach.

As parents, when we behave as responsible adults, our children will behave as responsible children. 

Giving our children choices, being firm and kind with them,  educating them lovingly and enabling them to make right choices are all signs of great parenting.

When we are conscious and aware parents, we raise conscious and aware children.

If you are needing clarity and help, try parent coaching with me!

Parenting is a hard job and we did not have manuals come with every child. (I wish we did though:)

Having raised two daughters, life experience and the many trainings I took has given me a clarity about how to handle many of these parenting challenges.

If you find parenting hard and would like to try out some parent coaching, do check out this link and reach out to me.

Reach out if you want support

Are you worried that your children are not  listening to you?

Instead of that, please focus on the fact that....

YOUR CHILDREN ARE ALWAYS WATCHING YOU!

My belief is, what you do is much more important than what you say. 

Your children and teens are always watching what you do. They are constantly watching your behavior and learning from it. They see how you deal with  stress. They watch how you treat other people and how you react to other’s behavior. They also keenly observe how you deal with your own feelings.  

Children are like little sponges and absorb whatever is spoken and whatever they witness. This often overlooked fact highlights the profound impact adult behavior has on their development!

When my daughter was very young, she would come back from school and start teaching her little doll exactly the way her teacher would teach in school. Her high pitched statements and sometimes not so good language revealed so much about her teacher.

Kids are great mimics, they have an ability to mimic the way you speak, your words, your beliefs and behavior!

Kids repeat what they hear, and they imitate what they see. This is exactly why, as parents, we need to be mindful of the things we are  inadvertently teaching our children.

 Even when we think our children aren't paying attention, it's essential to be a positive role model.

It’s not very easy  to always model appropriate behavior for our kids all the time, and certainly no one  expects us to be perfect. But, as parents, we should make a sincere attempt to model the rules we want our kids to follow.

No point in worrying that our kids are not listening.  It's time we worried that they are always always watching us.

What is the impact of adult behavior on children?

Emotional Regulation: 

Children watch how adults manage their emotions. If they observe adults handling stress with calmness and composure, they are more likely to adopt similar strategies. But if they see you get angry, anxious or having a negative perspective on life, that's what they subconsciously pick up!

Social Interactions: 

Children are also observing how you deal with other adults, your relative, friends, colleagues, neighbors and the strangers you meet everyday. The way adults interact with others sets a standard for children.

Both my daughters learnt how to say, 'thank you' to the auto-driver in India while alighting at their destination. They learnt dignity of labor and respected people of all classes because that's what they saw in the adults around them.

Politeness, empathy, and active listening are learned through observation. Children who see respectful and kind interactions are more likely to replicate those behaviors.

Work Ethic and Responsibility: 

Observing adults approach their responsibilities with diligence and a positive attitude teaches children the value of hard work and perseverance. If children see us making the bed, they will learn that soon (provided we do not keep doing it for them).

If they see us going on time to work, they learn that. If they see us displaying cleanliness around the home, they will pick that up as well.

Healthy Habits: 

Lifestyle choices, such as eating habits, exercise, and leisure activities, are greatly influenced by adult behavior. Children are more inclined to follow healthy routines if they see their caregivers doing the same.

One of my friends and her husband were always particular about healthy eating and adequate exercise. She told me, the other day, how both her boys, who are now adults,  are completely into fitness and are very mindful of what they eat!

So, then, a question you might have is:

How can I be a positive role-model for my child?

Here are some practical Tips for Positive Role Modeling

• Be Mindful of Actions: Understand that everyday actions, even seemingly trivial ones, are being observed.

Strive to demonstrate positive behaviors consistently.

• Communicate Effectively: Use positive language and active listening when communicating with children and others. Explain the reasons behind actions and decisions to help children understand and learn.

Positive communication is key.

• Show Empathy and Kindness: Model empathy in interactions with others. Engage in acts of kindness and explain the importance of empathy to children.

Practice random and not so random  acts of kindness

• Manage Stress Positively: Demonstrate healthy ways to cope with stress, such as deep breathing, exercise, or discussing problems openly and calmly.

Work on your stress

• Encourage Curiosity and Learning: Display a love for learning and curiosity. Engage in educational activities and hobbies, and encourage children to explore their interests.

Be curious and encourage learning.

• Practice Self-Care: Show children the importance of self-care by taking time for activities that promote physical and mental well-being.

Practice self-care & self-love

When we take efforts in positive role-modeling, children will automatically observe us and listen to our words.

How we are, what we do, how we behave, how we handle stress all of these add up to our parenting strategies. Honestly, in my opinion, parenting is all about self-transformation.

If we want our children to be healthy and responsible adults, we simply focus on the small daily actions and positive behaviors of today.

What we do is far more powerful than what we say!

Honoring the Inner Mother 

 While we all need to acknowledge, honor and feel blessed for our physical mother/ mother-like people; it is equally important to honor and respect and connect with the 'Inner Mother' and we all have that mother within.

***In this article/video, I will share with you more about

* What is the Inner Mother?

* Why do we need to connect to her?

*The benefits of connecting to the Inner Mother

* How can we do so?

Happy Mother's Day wishes to you.

So today I wanted to share a little bit about the whole concept of Mother's day and we know that this is special day for us to remember, honor and respect our earthly mother, our physical mother or maybe a person who is mother-like to us and this is very important. 

We need to have that gratitude. Gratitude itself is such a great blessing for all of us. 

So what is the inner mother and why is it important to connect with this inner mother? I'm going to share a little bit also about the benefits of connecting with the Inner Mother. And finally I'll talk about how we can actually make that connection.

So, let's get started. 

What is the inner mother?

We all have parts within ourselves, we have a part of ourselves which is like a little child-like you know it needs attention, it's very innocent and that part of ourselves is very loving and very open when dealing with people, it is fun like. That part of us is our inner child. 

Similar to that we also have a part of us which is like the inner parent and more specifically like the inner mother and this part of ourselves is very kind, very compassionate, very nurturing and very encouraging, all the qualities that we would like to see in our ideal mother, right? 

And you might say lata, but I don't feel that part within me and I don't think I have that part within me.

So let me ask you a question. Have you ever had a situation where you were compassionate towards anyone else? Have you felt a sense of caring for someone? Have you felt that you ever encouraged someone? It could be a friend, it could be a child, it could be a colleague, it would be a spouse or a partner. Have you ever felt that?

Now let's look at Why do we need to connect to that inner mother right now?

We all have earthly mothers, but we may not have a good relationship with our earthly mother, or maybe we feel a sense of connection and she is very kind. She is there for us when we need it and she's very supportive. 

It is also possible that maybe she's not as kind and not as supportive, maybe we don't have a good relationship and I'm not on talking terms, or maybe our earthly mother is not alive anymore, like in my case she's not there anymore.

And then what do I do?

Are you raising your child to be dependent or independent?

When children are young, they depend on us for food, for helping them maneuver their routine and for supporting them with homework and school. When they are slightly older, they become more independent in those areas, but continue depending on us for emotional support and guidance.

This kind of dependence prevents them from feeling confident and capable of living by themselves when they grow up into young adults. They might not tell you this, but deep down they may be fearful living by themselves, handling problematic situations and taking important decisions.

Too much dependency on parents affects the child's confidence and self-esteem

As parents, we need to help them get completely independent: physically, practically and emotionally. This is a crucial aspect of parenting, which is often overlooked.

As a young parent, many years back, I really struggled in teaching them independence. It's not that I did not make any efforts. I was aware of this crucial teaching and I did really try.

How and what did I teach my children in order for them to be independent?

• I encouraged them to do chores in the house. Early in life, they would help me with grocery shopping, cleaning the table after meals and even running errands as they grew up a little.
• I nudged them into packing their own bags for school, doing their homework by themselves and being accountable for all things academic.
• I also encouraged them to walk to the school bus themselves and later walk to school. I also encouraged one of my daughters to eat by herself right from when she was young (I did struggle on that with my other one).

What I wished I had also taught them?

• I wasn't too aware of the need for emotional independence then. I didn't know how to regulate my own emotions and did not teach them that. However, thankfully, my awareness expanded by the time they were teens and then, I spoke openly about emotional management and that helped.
• We know now that cooking is a life skill, like swimming. While I had taken some efforts to get them educated into swimming, I hadn't particularly focussed on getting them cooking lessons.

There are many more things I can add to these two lists. But the point is not about 'perfect parenting'.

 Anyway, there is no such thing as 'perfect parenting'; we are getting trained in parenting while raising them. It's an on-the-job training.

Making our children independent is a crucial aspect of parenting

But, I do want to highlight that, we have to bring this aspect of making our children independent as a priority. It is a crucial aspect of parenting. However, we find so many parents trying to rescue their children, over protecting them and not allowing them to take risks. 

The biggest cause for anxiety nowadays is rescuing and overprotecting your child

In my opinion, this is the biggest cause for so much anxiety in children nowadays. There are other reasons for anxiety in children, but rescuing, and preventing our children from making their own mistakes is the biggest cause, that's my opinion.

However a lot of this is not consciously done, it is mostly a subconscious tendency in the parents.  Most parents will tell you, I don't rescue, I allow my child to be independent, to experiment; but I can't let him make bad choices that would end up being disastrous for him, can I?

As parents, we subconsciously believe that they cannot do this, that they are not ready.

 As parents, we are consciously doing all that we can to make them independent; on the other hand subconsciously, a part of us still believes that they are not ready to face this big bad world!

Not ready to face the world? How did we get ready? How did we learn to cope practically, emotionally. By learning, by seeing role models and then trying to do that by ourselves.

The only way our child will get ready is by role modeling for them, by showing how to and then allowing them to try, to stumble, to fail and encouraging them at every step of that journey.

Children need to be exposed  to taking small and medium risks, they need to be allowed make mistakes and then learning from that and they need to make their own age appropriate decisions and again learn from that.

This is the only way that they can get independent. The only way they can get ready to be by themselves.

 What happens if our child continues their dependence on parents?

• This kind of dependence prevents them from feeling confident and capable of living by themselves when they grow up into young adults.
• They might not tell you this, but deep down they may be fearful living by themselves, handling problematic situations and taking important decisions.
• Dependence on parents prevents them from taking responsibility and accountability.
• Emotional dependence prevents the child from developing more awareness of their feelings and lack of skills to co-regulate their emotions. This affects their mental health.

 To conclude, I would say that, as parents, we need to help them get completely independent: physically, practically and emotionally.

When they can manage without us and are not dependent on our emotional and physical support, we can say with certainty that we have completed our parenting tasks well. 

This kind of independence is really hard but is something we should definitely aspire towards.

Does this seem like an uphill climb?

Well, it's true what was said that, Parenting is about raising our own consciousness. Nobody can make us change as much as our children. And that's the beauty of it!